Yesterday marked the two-year anniversary of my first visit to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, or as those of us unfortunately in the know say, the RE.

It comes with mixed feelings. It’s hard to acknowledge that I’ve been at this for 2 years and am still not pregnant let alone actually holding a baby. But at least I am in the process of attempt #10, yes, #10. After having to wait so interminably long, no thanks to Dr. 3, I am finally on a cycle again with hope on the horizon.

It is with a mixture of hope, grief, and indifference that I mark this notable occasion. Hope that I might finally get to gestate a child and then hold it in my arms. Grief over chances, and cycles, and pregnancies lost. Indifference because who knows what’s going to happen with this cycle. It could either be elation or grief or both. Who knows what could come up that could cause the cycle to be cancelled or fail. I’ve been through this enough to learn that very little of this is in my control, and never will be. A lesson I still resist strongly.

If you are in a similar situation, stay strong and don’t let this define you.

Hugs,
Jane