Category Archives: Uncategorized

Can I write every day for a month?

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I have to admit I’ve completely slacked on this site. I had the best of intentions, honestly, but in retrospect, perhaps starting a blog the same day as my first pregnancy loss maybe wasn’t a well thought out plan.

But every day is a new opportunity right?

So today, June 1st, I am challenging myself to publish something here every single day. It will likely be an eclectic mixture of musings, but in the end I think it will be fun and something in here will be helpful to someone else.

Wish me luck.

❤ Jane

How to survive daylight saving time.

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Ah, it’s that time of year again. Spring forward for Daylight Saving Time. Can someone explain to me how exactly we’re saving any daylight with this phenomenon? As the days have been getting longer, I’ve finally gotten to the point where the sun is coming up just shortly after I get out of bed. Now, with the time change I’m back to getting up more than an hour before the sun. I, in theory, assuming I actually get up when I’m supposed to instead of lingering in bed for as long as possible, will be just getting to work as the sun is coming up. Rather than getting a healthy dose of sunlight before spending my day in florescent jail, I’ll just get teased with the warm, inviting glow of our friend the sun.

To say that I’m not thrilled about this contrived clock shift would be an understatement, but I’ve decided that I won’t let it get the best of me this year. So, I’ve come up with five ways to cope and I think you’ll agree, thrive.

  1. Drink lots of water, just like when traveling across multiple time zones, staying hydrated helps your body make the adjustment. If that doesn’t work, drink your favorite cocktail repeatedly to take your mind off your misery add bonus – you’ll be a lot more fun for your friends and family than a grouchy, crabby-pants who leaves them longing for a bear abruptly awoken from hibernation.
  2. The week leading up to the fateful event, start setting your alarm a few minutes earlier each day to get gradually used to the change. Too late? No problem, take the week off work and start adjusting yourself this week. By the time you go back to work the following Monday, you’ll finally be caught up with your coworkers, at least on sleep. (Note: this will do nothing to improve the state of your inbox or the pile of forms stacked on your desk.)
  3. Purchase a second residence in the time zone to the left of yours. Simply move back and form every time the clock changes.
  4. Quit your day job and go to work for yourself, you make your own hours so screw the man and his clocks. (bonus points for joining a hippie compound) (bonus-bonus points for starting your own hippie compound)
  5. Caffeine, caffeine, and more caffeine. Seriously you can’t get too much caffeine during this challenging time in your life. Not only will this magical alkaloid help you power through your week, it will also make you 10x more productive* allowing you impress the man tremendously by showing up all your coworkers for their amateur ways of dealing with this crisis.

*note: this isn’t actually a scientific fact, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. Maybe one of the many scientist who are about to lose their jobs under the current administration can work on this discovery from their soon to be built garage laboratory.

So there you have it, five sure fire ways to get through this predicament. Feel free to incorporate one or more of these strategies into your life too.

Cheers,
Jane

International Women’s Day and To Work or Not to Work

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Tomorrow is International Women’s Day, a day to acknowledge the efforts of so many before us and a call to carry-on the work for each other, as well as those yet to come. There has also been a call for a simultaneous Day without Women as a protest to call attention to women’s rights and the value of the work women provide. Well, that’s all well and good and it’s a lovely thought. I certainly want to rally with my sisters around the globe to demonstrate our value to those who have yet to see it and to show support and solidarity. However, I, like so many others, can’t afford to lose my job because of it. I don’t work for an employer that would support such a thing, although with so many women in our workforce I’m pretty sure if we boycotted work for a day it would shut things down. But we’re not, and if we tried I guarantee it won’t go well. At all. Especially if enough of us did it to actually disrupt things.

I have been struggling with this a little bit this week. Thinking that if I didn’t boycott work I was somehow be letting my sisters down, but I have to think beyond tomorrow. To the day after that, and the day after that. I need this job right now. I need this paycheck, my only paycheck, and I need the health insurance. Not surprisingly, this is the case for most women, so there isn’t going to be the kind of boycott I thought it was going to turn into. In fact, after a little internet searching, and texting my activist friends, very few women, even in the US, are in a position to make such a stand. There was an article from Seattle that went as far as calling this boycott an example of white privilege. I’m white, middle-class, with an advanced degree and I don’t even have that privilege. Now, most would be inclined at this point in an essay to sound the battle cry that this is why we must rally together and why the boycott is necessary. But is the boycott really the best way to advance equality? I think not.

One of my friends who I contacted tonight, isn’t boycotting because she worries about losing her job. She’s not boycotting because that would put her team, which comprises both men and women, in a really horrible position and they need the full team for tomorrow’s job. Her going to work tomorrow is a perfect example of equality and solidarity. She’s going to make a difference by leading by example. By being a positive influence on those around her, by showing the value of women in the workforce by actually doing the work. (and I know her so I know she does her job well) Isn’t this really the best way to show our value, to inspire others to achieve the goals we’ve achieved and hopefully push past them to achieve even higher goals? After reflecting on this as I write I now realize that the best way for me to help the cause, to move the boundaries, to encourage others, is to go to work tomorrow and make a point of demonstrating my value and in turn the value. To encourage, support, and bolster all my co-workers, regardless of gender or gender identity, and put energy and enthusiasm into them and our shared goals of making a positive impact on our community. Tomorrow I will celebrate International Women’s Day, I will wear a red scarf just like Susan B. Anthony and I will honor the efforts of women in the workforce while contributing my own. Gandhi said “be the change you wish to see in the word.” I wish to see compassion and cohesion. What about you? What are you doing for International Women’s Day? Leave a comment below, I’d love to hear what you’re doing and get some ideas for next year.

Peace,
Jane

I’m ditching my debt

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I had a little scare earlier this past week. I got a text message from a bank telling me my account was frozen. I had that sinking feeling you get when you realize you’ve forgotten to pay a bill. But it was even worse, I didn’t remember even owing them any money. I didn’t remember having used that credit card, in fact, I didn’t even remember having that credit card. “oh crap!” I thought, “did I put some of the fertility expenses on that account and forgot?” I really didn’t think so, but things got a little squirrely and creative at one point. Or maybe there was an annual fee I’d forgotten about or something. After fretting about it all afternoon while at work, I tried to log in after dinner to find out what was going on, but I couldn’t log in, my password didn’t work. Password reset didn’t work because in order to get the password you have to give them your account number. I couldn’t find it. I hadn’t seen that credit card in who knows how long and I’d cut up all the cards long ago and I couldn’t find any paperwork, or emails from that bank in a very long time. So, I decided to just call them up. Turns out that that is the latest phishing scam, I hadn’t had an account with that bank in years. I hadn’t forgotten about any bills or payments. While that was a relief, it did make me realize that I have been far too lax with my finances. Yes, I was intentionally using denial to soften the blow of how much the fertility specialists were costing me for fear of letting money stand in my way of my life-long dream, but it was time to face facts and get a handle on my situation before I got myself into a hole I wasn’t going to know how to get out of. So, how much debt was I really in? I had no idea.

Because I had managed to spread things around a little, and I never looked at all of the accounts at once, it wasn’t too hard to stay in at least some degree of denial. I knew that the first thing I needed to do was look at all of my accounts and find out how much I owed each one. I also knew that I needed to make sure I was paying on time so I didn’t get any late fees and needlessly increase expenses. (not necessarily paying on time, also a tool for denial) so while I was looking at each account I looked at how much I owed, what the interest rate was, and when the next payment is due. Names, balances and rate all went into an Excel spreadsheet and the due dates were highlighted on my planner. Now, as much as I would like to, I can’t blame the doctors/facilities for all of my debt. I also have not been watching my budget and have been going out to eat, buying clothes & books, buying experiences – cause that’s the latest thing we’re being told is ok to spent money on. All these things add up to just over $18,000 in debt, and that’s after I drained about $9,000 out of my savings account last year. Crap. How did I let it get to this?

The debt unfortunately doesn’t stop there. I also still have student loan debt (I graduated 13 years ago, this spring) a car loan and a mortgage. Altogether, I’m looking at 6 figures of debt. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I only have one income right now and to be honest, with the current state of things in the US, I’m not sure how secure my job is for the next year or two. Yep, it’s definitely time to get a firm handle on the finances. I’ve finally started seeing the newest doctor so I have no idea how much more expense I might incur, but I know I can no longer make financial decisions without a clear plan. So, what is the plan you ask? Well the next step is setting up a budget and making sure I stick to it precisely. It’s not going to be easy, and I’m sure will require some practice to get used to living so lean once again but I’m absolutely willing to do whatever it takes to get this debt off my back. Step three, is going to be looking for extra ways to make some money, I can’t pick any extra hours at work, so I’m going to have to get a little creative.

So that is where I leave you for now friends, remember the moral of the story – Debt is not your friend. Our society has gotten brainwashed into believing that living off of credit is the American Way, but it is not, and it never was. So I encourage you to be brave, tally up your debt if you haven’t already done so and make a plan for how you too are going to ditch the debt. We’ll all sleep better at night for it.

Peace and love,
Jane

To color or not to color?

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I think I’m going to stop coloring my hair. What’s the point really? It’s not like it’s actually keeping me from aging. It’s going to happen whether I want it to or not, at least until I die. Covering up the telltale signs will only make it harder to process once denial is no longer an option. Knowing myself as well as I do, I know it will be easier to bear in little bits and pieces, little baby steps. I don’t want to wake up one day and suddenly I realize my hair is white and my skin is fissured and saggy. Let’s not even discuss where my boobs are likely to end up. Like I said, best to process in bits and pieces. Then one also has to wonder what effects the stressing over the signs of aging and increased chemical exposure will have on my body. Am I just speeding up the process? Am I making my body work even harder and wearing it out even faster?

I’ve been doing some research on some of the chemicals commonly used in health and beauty products and the research is rather disturbing. As usual, as more research gets done we find out that things once thought to be safe aren’t so much, or that nobody has bothered yet to look at the cumulative effects slathering our bodies with so many different products, often from many different brands can have over a long period of time. In all fairness, though, how on earth would researchers even begin to tackle those experiments? I’m thinking I need to be a lot easier on my body and stop bombarding it with so stuff it has to figure out what to do with. Then there’s the chemicals I’m producing myself.

The effects of stress and cortisol are becoming increasingly more popular topics, at least I seem to be hearing more and more about it, could be my research on how to handle the emotional rollercoaster from the ordeal of trying to have a baby and it not going so well. Stressing about how I look, or used to look, or trying to look the way I used to look, or trying to look even better than I used to look, surely isn’t going to give me a youthful glow.

Nope, I think my time and energy, and ok the money too, will be far wiser spent on better pursuits. I have far more valuable things to contribute to this planet and the residents upon it than what color(s) my hair is at any given point in time. Is there anything you can think of to give up in order to free up some of your resources more worthwhile endeavors?

Peace,
Jane

National Send a Card to a Friend Day

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February 7th is National Send a Card to a Friend Day, which is a perfect excuse to start making good on one of my 2017 goals of investing more effort into personal relationships. So, I’m not just sending a card to a friend, I’m sending out 11 cards to both friends and family. This is also excellent timing if I want to send Valentine’s Cards, which I do since I never sent any holiday cards this past December. It’s like a trifecta of good ideas in just one step.

While running errands last week I picked up a couple packages of Valentine’s Day cards that were pretty and elegant, and of course I couldn’t resist the red foil heart stickers hanging right next to them. For some of the cards I just put a personal note inside, this was for cards to people with whom I speak regularly. For others, I’ve hand-written a separate letter to put inside for those I haven’t written or spoken to in some time. I remember my grandmother being a prolific letter writer when I was a little girl and I remember thinking how special it was to get a hand-written letter from someone far, far away. Now, we have the internet and smartphones so it’s even easier to communicate with people but I find emails, texts and even social media to be lacking in the intimacy that comes from a person sitting down and taking the time to write a message with their own hands. It may not be something that you hang on the wall but they really are works of art created just for the recipient. So while my penmanship may leave a little (or a lot) to be desired, it brought up fun childhood memories for me and I hope will create some happy moments for the recipients

Do you have any relationships, friends you’ve fallen out of contact with, or distant relatives, that could benefit from a card or a letter? Why not give it a try? Even a quick little note could brighten someone’s day, including your own.

Have fun,

Jane

Resolutions vs. Goals

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As 2016 rolled to an end, I evaluated my list of yearly goals. Yes, I call them goals instead of resolutions because we all know people don’t stick to resolutions. But goals? Heck the interwebs and social media are aflame with goal setting and goal getting. Or at least that’s what we are led to believe. I recently came across the goal lists I had made for myself 8 years ago, and to my surprise and disappointment, ok more like a moment of Cruella level self-condemnation, I realized that several of these goals from years ago still appeared on my list and had many times over the years. Why is it that I had achieved some great success with some goals, clearly moving my life towards the life I envision, and yet some just weren’t happening? Did I not want them badly enough? Was I just an underperforming slacker being lazy and not doing enough? Or was it something about the goals themselves or maybe the way I’m thinking about the goals?

What is a resolution anyway? According to Dictionary.com, it means “a formal expression of opinion or intention made; a decision or determination” but it also means “reduction to a simpler form”. How great is that idea? Instead of piling myself up with goals, adding even more expectations of myself without any additional hours in a day, how about I work on reduction to a simpler form? While goals are all well and good, and I believe necessary to help me achieve all the great things I want to do in this life, how much better would my life be if I also looked at taking away somethings that are no longer serving me (or never were in the first place)? For example, tonight I came home and turned on the TV just like I do most nights, but after about 15-20 minutes of not really watching it, just like I do most nights, when I went to get into the shower I just turned it off and turned on music instead. After the shower, I sat down with a book instead of the TV and without the TV playing in the background, I talked to a friend, took the dog for a walk and enjoyed the fresh air and now I’m sitting down to write. (full disclosure – no I don’t have kids, see previous posts, and I’m single so, yes I know this evening, while not spectacular to some, is indeed quite a luxury to others.) The point is, I took away one thing, and without it’s distraction I was able to more fully enjoy and focus on each of these activities and therefore enjoy them more. Plus, I feel less stressed about my work day and I feel like my day involved more than just my job. I think I might be on to something with this reducing to simpler forms. A big part of what I want for 2017 is a simpler life where I can be aware of my life and what’s going on around me, rather than time seeming to speed up and fly right by at the speed of light. This year, while looking at goals and envisioning the life I want to life, I’m not going to think of it as what do I want to add on, but rather, what do I want to trade off or what can I just drop, in order to make room for the things that will add quality to my life.

Give it a try, what can you reduce to simpler forms and does it improve your quality of life, even a little bit? Leave a comment below and let us know.

10 Ways to De-stress During The Holidays

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Holidays can be stressful, sometimes maddeningly stressful. Even if you are one of the lucky few who doesn’t have to cope with challenging family dynamics (aka conflicts) or precarious travel through blizzards, our own expectations can push our workload over the top. I know I’m guilty of this for sure. This year I’m going to be able to have my immediate family all together for the first time in 9 years. I keep adding on just one more thing to do for them to ensure they have a good time and hopefully help us all have beautiful memories of this visit. (I’m pretending that at no time will anyone bring up politics and that we can go the entire 8 days without acknowledging the current state of US government. Do not burst my bubble. I intend to hold on to this fantasy for as long as possible.) And on top of that I’m helping do the leg work of getting some of the shopping done for them so they have less to ship/pack in their luggage.

I’m also adding a lot on my shoulders by adopting a family in need within my community. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m very glad I did it and I truly hope it brightens the family’s holiday, but I got a family with 5 kids. Four of which are teenagers. Holy cow it’s hard enough to figure out what to get teenagers but when I don’t know them personally to know what their interests are, that really takes the challenge up a notch. Cross your fingers for me that I didn’t totally blow it.

Then I found out last year, that everyone at my new office gets gifts for each other, so that was 10 more people to add to the gift list. But the worst part of it all, really, is the traffic, parking lots, and trying to navigate through stores. So, this all leads me to my list – 10 ways to destress during the holidays when you realize you just need a damn break.

  • Take the dog for a walk. (I don’t care if the dog’s been out 5 times already, they can always find something new to pee on.) Don’t have a dog? Walk whatever pet you do have. No pet, walk yourself, maybe you need to go check the mailbox, of your neighbor, maybe a neighbor on another street. (Ok, don’t actually check your neighbor’s mailbox, I think there’s laws against that)
  • Go to a quiet corner (or room should you be so lucky) and meditate. If you aren’t a meditator, well you should be, trust me on this. Ok, if you don’t want to actually meditate, tell everyone you are, put the headphones on, and listen to some podcasts or audiobooks. Prepare ahead and download some stuff now to have on-hand just in case, I highly recommend comedy for this purpose. If anyone catches you LOL-ing while you’re supposed to be meditating, tell them your inner voice just cracked a joke. But it’s an inside joke so they wouldn’t get it. (as a side note this may distract your family from political conversations by questioning your sanity instead)
  • Make something with your hands. No, not a fist. Do something artsy/craftsy or build something. You don’t have to be professional for this, just have some fun, and let your imagination play a little.
  • Plant something or work in a garden, added bonus is plants give off oxygen and getting more oxygen will help reduce stress.
  • If you can get some of that stress onto the paper, or screen, then your brain doesn’t have to work so hard to try and retain it. (don’t ask me why the brain does this, I just know it does)
  • Give something a good scrubbing. Nothing takes out some frustration like teaching some grout who’s boss.
  • Watch a movie or binge watch a few episodes of a TV show you like. The key here is to pick something that you have actually been wanting to watch, not just whatever happens to be on at that moment. It’s not about getting more screen time, it’s about having some quality screen time.
  • Go outside, even if it’s only long enough to take 10 deep breaths.
  • Play some music that you love to sing a-long to and do it.
  • Slowly drink a cup of hot water with lemon. I know it sounds a little weird but I find this really, really soothing. Maybe there’s some sort of aromatherapy thing going on with the citrus.

So, there you have it, 10 ways to mellow out when you’re pushing yourself too hard or when all the family time starts working your last good nerve. And by you, I mean me, cause I will be making good use of this list over the next 10 days or so. If you’ve got any other suggestions leave a comment and let’s see how many we can come up with.

Peace and Love,

Jane

Simple acts of kindness can yield big rewards

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The flowers my neighbor brought me this afternoon. There was actually a lot more greenery but it wouldn’t all fit in the vase.

A simple act of kindness a few weeks ago resulted in an unexpected reward. Today my neighbor surprised me with one of the most beautiful bouquets I’ve ever seen, defiantly the most beautiful I’ve ever received. She just wanted to say thank you for helping her teenage son a couple of weeks ago. I had me home from the grocery store and found him in the hallway locked out of the apartment. Turns out he and his mom had a miscommunication about picking him up, he got a ride home, found out no one was there as she had gone to go get him and his phone was dead. He asked if I had an iPhone charger, which I do, so I let him in and gave him the charger so he could get in touch with her but it was only a couple of minutes later when she got home. I didn’t do much except let him in and hand him a cord. At least it didn’t mean that much to me, a simple friendly gesture that required very little effort on my part. I hadn’t thought until today, how much that might have meant to a worried mother.

It was an excellent reminder that sometimes a little effort can go a long way. You never know how big of an impact you might have with a simple act of kindness. Be open to opportunities to lend a hand or smile at a stranger today. It just might brighten your day too.

Cookies and Grief

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Grief is a funny thing, isn’t it? You’re going about your day, whipping up a batch of cookies cause it’s a sunny Sunday afternoon in Fall and cookies, much like Paris, are always a good idea. And the next thing you know you have tears and snot running down your face and you have to rush to the bathroom to find tissue because not everyone likes salty with their sweet so it’s best to keep those things out of your batter.

I’m a little surprised by the sudden, at least that’s how it felt at the time, upwelling of so much emotion. I started wondering if it was something I had been listening to on Super Soul Sunday, because you know, Paris, cookies, Oprah…anyway that wasn’t it. It never is, is it? It’s never the literal thing in the moment that the emotional reaction is about, it’s a purging of emotion that’s been waiting patiently for our time and attention, but there’s gotten to be too much and there’s no more room in the container where you’ve been sequestering the grief and some of it’s just got to come out. Kinda like when you have a pot of tomato sauce simmering on the stove but the heat’s just a little too high and you get these mini volcanic eruptions when a bubble has to get out of the pot.

What this is really about is that I’m still grieving. Just the recognition of that fact brings relief and some ease. Guess I wasn’t done yet. Guess that’s why I’ve been having trouble finding the inspiration and motivation to write in the last couple of days, or the inspiration and motivation to declutter the apartment or do the dishes and why I was so hard on myself for not accomplishing these things. And why I’m constantly going into the kitchen to look for something to eat.  I’m still grieving and that’s ok, that just means I need be a little gentler on myself and pay more attention to what I’m actually feeling, not what I should be feeling, or what I’d rather be feeling.

When you acknowledge your feelings in those moments, whatever those feelings are, they don’t need to escalate to Mount Vesuvius proportions in order to get your attention. Feel what you need to feel my loves, dig deep, keep asking why until you get to the real thing that’s trying to get your attention. Cause it’s never the surface thing, you’ve noticed that right?

So, if you need to grieve, grieve. Whether it’s a loss of a loved one, a divorce, a layoff, a presidential election, some combination of the above, grieve what you have to grieve now, because it won’t be any easier later. Oh, and don’t forget it’s a process, it may take a little while before you batters are completely safe but rest assured they will be at some point. Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. It’ll be alright.

Peace,

Jane

P.S. cream cheese frosting on pumpkin spice cookies is delicious