Category Archives: Infertility

It’s not really about the meds

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I think it’s time to throw out the meds in my fridge. They’ve been there 18 months, since the last time I got to try and get pregnant with my own eggs. Since that loss I’ve gone on to try 3 more times with someone else’s eggs. (3 different someone’s but who’s counting?) resulting in 1 chemical and 2 fails. I know I should be writing more about my fertility story, or lack thereof, but it’s hard. Harder than I ever imagined. But I’m trying to do better. If something I say can help just one person, even for just a little while, then it will be worth the effort.

So back to the original point of this post. I have meds sitting around, taking up space, reminding me every time I open the fridge of my chance to have a child with my genetics. For the first year they were right up front, right in my face when I opened the door. I was so hopeful when I started them. I really thought they were going to do the trick. And they did, sort of, 2 chemical pregnancies. But now they have made their way to the back of the shelf, where I don’t have to think about them too often. Or the hope I once had. You see, even though I had to move on to donated genetics in order to keep working with the doctors, I never gave up hope of having mine own genetic child. If I’m going to be really honest, I still haven’t. Perhaps it was a mental trick I played on myself in order to move on. Well I’ll just do this and have a child and then, just like in a movie I’ll meet this amazing guy and fall in love and a few months after having the first child I’ll magically get pregnant with Mr. Wonderful and bam, more kids and with my genes (well half anyway). It’ll be great!

But even the hope of that is fading away. Let’s be honest, what are the chances of that even happening? I haven’t had a date in something like 4 years. How exactly would one go a out dating while going through fertility treatments? When do you bring that up, during the appetizer or do you wait till desert? Then there’s the hormonal roller coaster combined with repeated cycles of grief ranging from a skipped cycle, to a failed cycle, to a chemical. I haven’t been able to carry one long enough to see the sac and heartbeat yet, so I haven’t had the devastation of later loss or complications to deal with. My heart goes out to you if you are one of the ones who has.

It’s time to let the meds go. It’s time to move on without knowing what’s going to happen next or where I will land. I have been attempting to sail to distant shores without taking my eyes of the old one. Time to be brave one more time.

If you’re reading this and you too are struggling with building a family, know that I’m sending you virtual hugs and encouragement to be brave too with whatever step you’re at now. There are a lot of us out there, we’re not alone. Even though it feels like it cause people just don’t talk about this stuff. But let’s start, ok?

♥ Jane

P.S. Ok, I did it. I cried a little, but that’s ok, there is crying in bravery. The gap they have left on the shelf is noticeable but I haven’t regretted it a bit.

2 Years of Infertility

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Yesterday marked the two-year anniversary of my first visit to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, or as those of us unfortunately in the know say, the RE.

It comes with mixed feelings. It’s hard to acknowledge that I’ve been at this for 2 years and am still not pregnant let alone actually holding a baby. But at least I am in the process of attempt #10, yes, #10. After having to wait so interminably long, no thanks to Dr. 3, I am finally on a cycle again with hope on the horizon.

It is with a mixture of hope, grief, and indifference that I mark this notable occasion. Hope that I might finally get to gestate a child and then hold it in my arms. Grief over chances, and cycles, and pregnancies lost. Indifference because who knows what’s going to happen with this cycle. It could either be elation or grief or both. Who knows what could come up that could cause the cycle to be cancelled or fail. I’ve been through this enough to learn that very little of this is in my control, and never will be. A lesson I still resist strongly.

If you are in a similar situation, stay strong and don’t let this define you.

Hugs,
Jane

Taking the weekend off, by actually taking the weekend off

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Yes, the blog is late this week. My weekend didn’t exactly go as I thought it would and having stayed up till midnight last night, I wasn’t exactly bounding out of bed to write before work today. Can I let you in on a secret? I took Friday off from my job because I had planned on going to visit my mother for the weekend. But I didn’t go. Instead I stayed home and spent a massive chunk of the weekend plopped down on the sofa binge watching 3 seasons of a TV series. It was Watchathon week so I took advantage of having access to the previous seasons of the show. It was such a guilty pleasure. Except, it was all pleasure and not really any quilt. I got out and about and took care of what absolutely needed to be taken care of and I took the puppy on some nice walks but that was about it. I still have dishes piled in the sink, the living room is still cluttered, although I did take some time to clear off about half the stuff on the coffee table, I didn’t sweep or mop, I didn’t scrub the shower, I hardly made time for writing or meditating. And I don’t care. It was such a wonderful treat, it was exactly what my brain needed. I barely thought about the infertility stuff this weekend, I didn’t think about work and I didn’t have to think about the current state of this country. Although I did get some reality on Friday night when I heard we’d been shooting missiles at Syria. I poked my head out of my cave long enough to ensure we hadn’t gone to nuclear war and was relieved to find out it wasn’t nearly as catastrophic as I had feared (although dropping bombs is always a very serious matter) it seemed to be short lived and there was nothing I could think of to do at the moment to fix it. So, back into my cave I went and watched 2 more seasons over the course of the next 2 days.

I really feel like I had a vacation even if I barely left my house. I feel refreshed and ready for a new week. But isn’t that a huge part of what makes any vacation great? Getting out of your own head, your usual routine for a while? Disconnecting from our phones and computers (although in this case just replacing it with a different screen. Baby steps.) and just letting ourselves enjoy something? It was such a gift to let myself off the hook for a while and not worry about what I should be doing, and instead just let myself do something light and fun. I had such a wonderful time living in a different place, in a different world, where everyone, well most everyone, was nice to each other, and the community came together to help each other during difficult times, and there was all kinds of love and romance (my favorite part of course). It was a breath of fresh air.

We need to give ourselves that from time to time, especially when stress is high, has been high and it isn’t likely to ease up any time soon. Find a way to give yourself a break, whatever that is for you. Heck, maybe even take a real vacation if you can pull it off. Trust me. You’ll be glad you did.

All the best,

Jane

Flunking Self-Care

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I think I’m flunking self-care these days. I thought I was taking care of myself but the frequency with which I’m getting upset, the shortness of my temper and the anxiety this new doctor’s office is causing me, are clear indications that I need to pay better attention to how I’m taking care of myself. Or perhaps, if I’m taking care of myself. I feel worn out. I feel like an old washcloth that’s been wrung out one too many times. (full disclosure – we also seem to be having a particularly difficult allergy season going on making it hard to breath and waking me up in the middle of the night. I’m sleeping with a box of tissue in the bed. I actually wondered what would happen if I put a tampon in my nose. I didn’t actually do it, but I sure thought about it. But I digress) Anyone who’s gone through the challenge of fertility issues knows the feeling. I’m heading toward the 2-year mark with 3 miscarriages, I’ve heard stories of people who’ve been at it for 6 years. One women I heard about had had 8 miscarriages. I have no idea where they’ve come up with the energy.  Conversely, I know that I want to be a mom and I’ll find a way to make it happen whatever it takes. (Within legal limits of course.) So, I’m going to suck it up once again and find a way to keep this train moving.

I highly recommend making a list, as big of a list as you can possibly make, of all the different ways you can take care of yourself and recharge your batteries. Make it diverse, big things, little things, things that can be done in a moment or two and things that occupy hours. Be prepared for a variety of situations too, trust me on this. Meditation or going for a jog can be all well and good (and effective) but not things you can do if you’re about to have a meltdown while driving in rush hour traffic or in the middle of a staff meeting. Make a list and keep it handy. Put it in your purse or planner or phone, maybe all three. And while I’m at it, don’t wait till after you have a meltdown. Make a point to refer to the list every day and do something for you at least once a day. Schedule it in your day if you have to. Set a reminder on your phone. Ask a friend or family member to help keep you accountable for some you time. Make it a point and make it a priority. This is going to help us all get through these stressful times.

Good luck, be well, take three full deep breaths right now.

Jane