Author Archives: Jane

I’m ditching my debt

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I had a little scare earlier this past week. I got a text message from a bank telling me my account was frozen. I had that sinking feeling you get when you realize you’ve forgotten to pay a bill. But it was even worse, I didn’t remember even owing them any money. I didn’t remember having used that credit card, in fact, I didn’t even remember having that credit card. “oh crap!” I thought, “did I put some of the fertility expenses on that account and forgot?” I really didn’t think so, but things got a little squirrely and creative at one point. Or maybe there was an annual fee I’d forgotten about or something. After fretting about it all afternoon while at work, I tried to log in after dinner to find out what was going on, but I couldn’t log in, my password didn’t work. Password reset didn’t work because in order to get the password you have to give them your account number. I couldn’t find it. I hadn’t seen that credit card in who knows how long and I’d cut up all the cards long ago and I couldn’t find any paperwork, or emails from that bank in a very long time. So, I decided to just call them up. Turns out that that is the latest phishing scam, I hadn’t had an account with that bank in years. I hadn’t forgotten about any bills or payments. While that was a relief, it did make me realize that I have been far too lax with my finances. Yes, I was intentionally using denial to soften the blow of how much the fertility specialists were costing me for fear of letting money stand in my way of my life-long dream, but it was time to face facts and get a handle on my situation before I got myself into a hole I wasn’t going to know how to get out of. So, how much debt was I really in? I had no idea.

Because I had managed to spread things around a little, and I never looked at all of the accounts at once, it wasn’t too hard to stay in at least some degree of denial. I knew that the first thing I needed to do was look at all of my accounts and find out how much I owed each one. I also knew that I needed to make sure I was paying on time so I didn’t get any late fees and needlessly increase expenses. (not necessarily paying on time, also a tool for denial) so while I was looking at each account I looked at how much I owed, what the interest rate was, and when the next payment is due. Names, balances and rate all went into an Excel spreadsheet and the due dates were highlighted on my planner. Now, as much as I would like to, I can’t blame the doctors/facilities for all of my debt. I also have not been watching my budget and have been going out to eat, buying clothes & books, buying experiences – cause that’s the latest thing we’re being told is ok to spent money on. All these things add up to just over $18,000 in debt, and that’s after I drained about $9,000 out of my savings account last year. Crap. How did I let it get to this?

The debt unfortunately doesn’t stop there. I also still have student loan debt (I graduated 13 years ago, this spring) a car loan and a mortgage. Altogether, I’m looking at 6 figures of debt. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I only have one income right now and to be honest, with the current state of things in the US, I’m not sure how secure my job is for the next year or two. Yep, it’s definitely time to get a firm handle on the finances. I’ve finally started seeing the newest doctor so I have no idea how much more expense I might incur, but I know I can no longer make financial decisions without a clear plan. So, what is the plan you ask? Well the next step is setting up a budget and making sure I stick to it precisely. It’s not going to be easy, and I’m sure will require some practice to get used to living so lean once again but I’m absolutely willing to do whatever it takes to get this debt off my back. Step three, is going to be looking for extra ways to make some money, I can’t pick any extra hours at work, so I’m going to have to get a little creative.

So that is where I leave you for now friends, remember the moral of the story – Debt is not your friend. Our society has gotten brainwashed into believing that living off of credit is the American Way, but it is not, and it never was. So I encourage you to be brave, tally up your debt if you haven’t already done so and make a plan for how you too are going to ditch the debt. We’ll all sleep better at night for it.

Peace and love,
Jane

To color or not to color?

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I think I’m going to stop coloring my hair. What’s the point really? It’s not like it’s actually keeping me from aging. It’s going to happen whether I want it to or not, at least until I die. Covering up the telltale signs will only make it harder to process once denial is no longer an option. Knowing myself as well as I do, I know it will be easier to bear in little bits and pieces, little baby steps. I don’t want to wake up one day and suddenly I realize my hair is white and my skin is fissured and saggy. Let’s not even discuss where my boobs are likely to end up. Like I said, best to process in bits and pieces. Then one also has to wonder what effects the stressing over the signs of aging and increased chemical exposure will have on my body. Am I just speeding up the process? Am I making my body work even harder and wearing it out even faster?

I’ve been doing some research on some of the chemicals commonly used in health and beauty products and the research is rather disturbing. As usual, as more research gets done we find out that things once thought to be safe aren’t so much, or that nobody has bothered yet to look at the cumulative effects slathering our bodies with so many different products, often from many different brands can have over a long period of time. In all fairness, though, how on earth would researchers even begin to tackle those experiments? I’m thinking I need to be a lot easier on my body and stop bombarding it with so stuff it has to figure out what to do with. Then there’s the chemicals I’m producing myself.

The effects of stress and cortisol are becoming increasingly more popular topics, at least I seem to be hearing more and more about it, could be my research on how to handle the emotional rollercoaster from the ordeal of trying to have a baby and it not going so well. Stressing about how I look, or used to look, or trying to look the way I used to look, or trying to look even better than I used to look, surely isn’t going to give me a youthful glow.

Nope, I think my time and energy, and ok the money too, will be far wiser spent on better pursuits. I have far more valuable things to contribute to this planet and the residents upon it than what color(s) my hair is at any given point in time. Is there anything you can think of to give up in order to free up some of your resources more worthwhile endeavors?

Peace,
Jane

National Send a Card to a Friend Day

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February 7th is National Send a Card to a Friend Day, which is a perfect excuse to start making good on one of my 2017 goals of investing more effort into personal relationships. So, I’m not just sending a card to a friend, I’m sending out 11 cards to both friends and family. This is also excellent timing if I want to send Valentine’s Cards, which I do since I never sent any holiday cards this past December. It’s like a trifecta of good ideas in just one step.

While running errands last week I picked up a couple packages of Valentine’s Day cards that were pretty and elegant, and of course I couldn’t resist the red foil heart stickers hanging right next to them. For some of the cards I just put a personal note inside, this was for cards to people with whom I speak regularly. For others, I’ve hand-written a separate letter to put inside for those I haven’t written or spoken to in some time. I remember my grandmother being a prolific letter writer when I was a little girl and I remember thinking how special it was to get a hand-written letter from someone far, far away. Now, we have the internet and smartphones so it’s even easier to communicate with people but I find emails, texts and even social media to be lacking in the intimacy that comes from a person sitting down and taking the time to write a message with their own hands. It may not be something that you hang on the wall but they really are works of art created just for the recipient. So while my penmanship may leave a little (or a lot) to be desired, it brought up fun childhood memories for me and I hope will create some happy moments for the recipients

Do you have any relationships, friends you’ve fallen out of contact with, or distant relatives, that could benefit from a card or a letter? Why not give it a try? Even a quick little note could brighten someone’s day, including your own.

Have fun,

Jane

Resolutions vs. Goals

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As 2016 rolled to an end, I evaluated my list of yearly goals. Yes, I call them goals instead of resolutions because we all know people don’t stick to resolutions. But goals? Heck the interwebs and social media are aflame with goal setting and goal getting. Or at least that’s what we are led to believe. I recently came across the goal lists I had made for myself 8 years ago, and to my surprise and disappointment, ok more like a moment of Cruella level self-condemnation, I realized that several of these goals from years ago still appeared on my list and had many times over the years. Why is it that I had achieved some great success with some goals, clearly moving my life towards the life I envision, and yet some just weren’t happening? Did I not want them badly enough? Was I just an underperforming slacker being lazy and not doing enough? Or was it something about the goals themselves or maybe the way I’m thinking about the goals?

What is a resolution anyway? According to Dictionary.com, it means “a formal expression of opinion or intention made; a decision or determination” but it also means “reduction to a simpler form”. How great is that idea? Instead of piling myself up with goals, adding even more expectations of myself without any additional hours in a day, how about I work on reduction to a simpler form? While goals are all well and good, and I believe necessary to help me achieve all the great things I want to do in this life, how much better would my life be if I also looked at taking away somethings that are no longer serving me (or never were in the first place)? For example, tonight I came home and turned on the TV just like I do most nights, but after about 15-20 minutes of not really watching it, just like I do most nights, when I went to get into the shower I just turned it off and turned on music instead. After the shower, I sat down with a book instead of the TV and without the TV playing in the background, I talked to a friend, took the dog for a walk and enjoyed the fresh air and now I’m sitting down to write. (full disclosure – no I don’t have kids, see previous posts, and I’m single so, yes I know this evening, while not spectacular to some, is indeed quite a luxury to others.) The point is, I took away one thing, and without it’s distraction I was able to more fully enjoy and focus on each of these activities and therefore enjoy them more. Plus, I feel less stressed about my work day and I feel like my day involved more than just my job. I think I might be on to something with this reducing to simpler forms. A big part of what I want for 2017 is a simpler life where I can be aware of my life and what’s going on around me, rather than time seeming to speed up and fly right by at the speed of light. This year, while looking at goals and envisioning the life I want to life, I’m not going to think of it as what do I want to add on, but rather, what do I want to trade off or what can I just drop, in order to make room for the things that will add quality to my life.

Give it a try, what can you reduce to simpler forms and does it improve your quality of life, even a little bit? Leave a comment below and let us know.

10 Ways to De-stress During The Holidays

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Holidays can be stressful, sometimes maddeningly stressful. Even if you are one of the lucky few who doesn’t have to cope with challenging family dynamics (aka conflicts) or precarious travel through blizzards, our own expectations can push our workload over the top. I know I’m guilty of this for sure. This year I’m going to be able to have my immediate family all together for the first time in 9 years. I keep adding on just one more thing to do for them to ensure they have a good time and hopefully help us all have beautiful memories of this visit. (I’m pretending that at no time will anyone bring up politics and that we can go the entire 8 days without acknowledging the current state of US government. Do not burst my bubble. I intend to hold on to this fantasy for as long as possible.) And on top of that I’m helping do the leg work of getting some of the shopping done for them so they have less to ship/pack in their luggage.

I’m also adding a lot on my shoulders by adopting a family in need within my community. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m very glad I did it and I truly hope it brightens the family’s holiday, but I got a family with 5 kids. Four of which are teenagers. Holy cow it’s hard enough to figure out what to get teenagers but when I don’t know them personally to know what their interests are, that really takes the challenge up a notch. Cross your fingers for me that I didn’t totally blow it.

Then I found out last year, that everyone at my new office gets gifts for each other, so that was 10 more people to add to the gift list. But the worst part of it all, really, is the traffic, parking lots, and trying to navigate through stores. So, this all leads me to my list – 10 ways to destress during the holidays when you realize you just need a damn break.

  • Take the dog for a walk. (I don’t care if the dog’s been out 5 times already, they can always find something new to pee on.) Don’t have a dog? Walk whatever pet you do have. No pet, walk yourself, maybe you need to go check the mailbox, of your neighbor, maybe a neighbor on another street. (Ok, don’t actually check your neighbor’s mailbox, I think there’s laws against that)
  • Go to a quiet corner (or room should you be so lucky) and meditate. If you aren’t a meditator, well you should be, trust me on this. Ok, if you don’t want to actually meditate, tell everyone you are, put the headphones on, and listen to some podcasts or audiobooks. Prepare ahead and download some stuff now to have on-hand just in case, I highly recommend comedy for this purpose. If anyone catches you LOL-ing while you’re supposed to be meditating, tell them your inner voice just cracked a joke. But it’s an inside joke so they wouldn’t get it. (as a side note this may distract your family from political conversations by questioning your sanity instead)
  • Make something with your hands. No, not a fist. Do something artsy/craftsy or build something. You don’t have to be professional for this, just have some fun, and let your imagination play a little.
  • Plant something or work in a garden, added bonus is plants give off oxygen and getting more oxygen will help reduce stress.
  • If you can get some of that stress onto the paper, or screen, then your brain doesn’t have to work so hard to try and retain it. (don’t ask me why the brain does this, I just know it does)
  • Give something a good scrubbing. Nothing takes out some frustration like teaching some grout who’s boss.
  • Watch a movie or binge watch a few episodes of a TV show you like. The key here is to pick something that you have actually been wanting to watch, not just whatever happens to be on at that moment. It’s not about getting more screen time, it’s about having some quality screen time.
  • Go outside, even if it’s only long enough to take 10 deep breaths.
  • Play some music that you love to sing a-long to and do it.
  • Slowly drink a cup of hot water with lemon. I know it sounds a little weird but I find this really, really soothing. Maybe there’s some sort of aromatherapy thing going on with the citrus.

So, there you have it, 10 ways to mellow out when you’re pushing yourself too hard or when all the family time starts working your last good nerve. And by you, I mean me, cause I will be making good use of this list over the next 10 days or so. If you’ve got any other suggestions leave a comment and let’s see how many we can come up with.

Peace and Love,

Jane

Simple acts of kindness can yield big rewards

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The flowers my neighbor brought me this afternoon. There was actually a lot more greenery but it wouldn’t all fit in the vase.

A simple act of kindness a few weeks ago resulted in an unexpected reward. Today my neighbor surprised me with one of the most beautiful bouquets I’ve ever seen, defiantly the most beautiful I’ve ever received. She just wanted to say thank you for helping her teenage son a couple of weeks ago. I had me home from the grocery store and found him in the hallway locked out of the apartment. Turns out he and his mom had a miscommunication about picking him up, he got a ride home, found out no one was there as she had gone to go get him and his phone was dead. He asked if I had an iPhone charger, which I do, so I let him in and gave him the charger so he could get in touch with her but it was only a couple of minutes later when she got home. I didn’t do much except let him in and hand him a cord. At least it didn’t mean that much to me, a simple friendly gesture that required very little effort on my part. I hadn’t thought until today, how much that might have meant to a worried mother.

It was an excellent reminder that sometimes a little effort can go a long way. You never know how big of an impact you might have with a simple act of kindness. Be open to opportunities to lend a hand or smile at a stranger today. It just might brighten your day too.

Cookies and Grief

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Grief is a funny thing, isn’t it? You’re going about your day, whipping up a batch of cookies cause it’s a sunny Sunday afternoon in Fall and cookies, much like Paris, are always a good idea. And the next thing you know you have tears and snot running down your face and you have to rush to the bathroom to find tissue because not everyone likes salty with their sweet so it’s best to keep those things out of your batter.

I’m a little surprised by the sudden, at least that’s how it felt at the time, upwelling of so much emotion. I started wondering if it was something I had been listening to on Super Soul Sunday, because you know, Paris, cookies, Oprah…anyway that wasn’t it. It never is, is it? It’s never the literal thing in the moment that the emotional reaction is about, it’s a purging of emotion that’s been waiting patiently for our time and attention, but there’s gotten to be too much and there’s no more room in the container where you’ve been sequestering the grief and some of it’s just got to come out. Kinda like when you have a pot of tomato sauce simmering on the stove but the heat’s just a little too high and you get these mini volcanic eruptions when a bubble has to get out of the pot.

What this is really about is that I’m still grieving. Just the recognition of that fact brings relief and some ease. Guess I wasn’t done yet. Guess that’s why I’ve been having trouble finding the inspiration and motivation to write in the last couple of days, or the inspiration and motivation to declutter the apartment or do the dishes and why I was so hard on myself for not accomplishing these things. And why I’m constantly going into the kitchen to look for something to eat.  I’m still grieving and that’s ok, that just means I need be a little gentler on myself and pay more attention to what I’m actually feeling, not what I should be feeling, or what I’d rather be feeling.

When you acknowledge your feelings in those moments, whatever those feelings are, they don’t need to escalate to Mount Vesuvius proportions in order to get your attention. Feel what you need to feel my loves, dig deep, keep asking why until you get to the real thing that’s trying to get your attention. Cause it’s never the surface thing, you’ve noticed that right?

So, if you need to grieve, grieve. Whether it’s a loss of a loved one, a divorce, a layoff, a presidential election, some combination of the above, grieve what you have to grieve now, because it won’t be any easier later. Oh, and don’t forget it’s a process, it may take a little while before you batters are completely safe but rest assured they will be at some point. Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. It’ll be alright.

Peace,

Jane

P.S. cream cheese frosting on pumpkin spice cookies is delicious

Taking Comfort in the Three Jewels

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Weeks like this make me very glad that I have a spiritual community to gather with, a community that reminds me that there are many other like-minded individuals in the world so I don’t feel alone and that we have a safe place when we are in need. After all, they say there’s safety in numbers and the events of this week have certainly made many of us, especially in my community, afraid. As part of the Sunday Service someone reads the Daily Word, which not uncommonly, is uniquely fitting to that particular day despite the fact that the word is chosen far in advance. Today was one such day. Today’s word was Comfort.

Whether or not you believe in a Divine Source, or Spirit, or God, or any of the other words used to describe the same thing, we can all take comfort from our surroundings. Whether that’s a family member, a partner, a friend, a pet, or a spectacular sunrise. When we allow ourselves to be open to love, compassion and beauty we will find it anywhere we look.

When I need to feel comforted I have grown to taking refuge. Only now, looking up the origin of that word, do I fully, consciously, understand why this feels good to me.
Refuge: a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger,             or trouble.
From the Latin refugium “place to flee back to”
Taking refuge helps bring me back to the calm center even when it feels like a storm is raging around me. It reminds me not to believe every thought that I have and to be mindful of what I think, what I say and what I do.

Taking refuge can be done by anyone, at any time, you don’t have to be Buddhist, and can be quite comforting when you are in need. I often use it as a way of making sure my head is in the right frame of mind, right being the frame of mind I consciously want to cultivate, before leaving the house for the day. If you are not Buddhist, or have not heard of the Three Jewels before, let me explain them in common terms that may help you begin to familiarize yourself with the practice. Should you choose to try this practice for yourself, feel free to substitute the words Buddha, Dharma and Sangha with words that have similar meaning to you; taking refuge should be personal and meaningful.

I take Refuge in the Buddha

Buddha is not actually a God as some believe, but a human being who has gained enlightenment. A Buddha, the Awakened One, is a teacher, a spiritual guide and role model. Most commonly when someone refers to the Buddha these days, they are referring to Siddharta Gautama, who was known as Shakyamuni Buddha after his enlightenment. It is said that his compassion knew no bounds. He encouraged students to get to know themselves, to look at the causes of suffering honestly and work, through non-harming, service to others and kindness, to not only ease or erase their own suffering but to ease that of others as well. There have been many Buddhas and there will be many more because every one of us has a Buddha nature within us that we are free to nurture and grow into our own awakening.

If this word, Buddha, however is not comfortable to you, feel free to substitute any word or name of the figure or person whom you feel a strong connection to, who you feel is your primary role model. Thinking of the compassion that the Buddha demonstrated to all beings is a reminder to me of who I want to be as a human.

I take Refuge in the Dharma

Dharma generally refers to the teachings of the Buddha. These teachings can take the form of oral teachings such as talks and lectures, or in written form. One of the commonly referenced written teachings on Buddhism is called the Dhammapada, made up of 423 verses that it is said, were told by the Buddha to his students.  I have a copy of this at home and sometimes I’ll open it up to a random page, read what is says, and contemplate how that applies to whatever situation that is monopolizing my thoughts at that moment. Here is a sample that I found leafing through my copy:

He is not righteous
Who judges a situation impulsively.
But whoever distinguishes between right and wrong,
That one is righteous.

Whoever leads others
Evenhandedly, but not by force,
Is a guardian of justice
And is called righteous.

A man is not considered wise
Because he talks a lot.
But he is secure and called wise
Who is free of hate and does no harm.

Taking refuge in the Dharma though, is about more than just listing to talks and/or reading books. To truly take refuge in these teachings is to truly study them and us them as a catalyst for good in your own life. What can you learn from these teachings, and perhaps more importantly, how can you apply those lessons into your own life in order to ease suffering and increase compassion? Shakyamuni Buddha made a point of sharing his knowledge freely with everyone – the rich, the poor, the young, the old, the sick, the outcast, the average Joe – with the intent of providing the tools with which anyone can pursue a more compassionate existence and ultimately, enlightenment.

I take Refuge in the Sangha

Sangha is a spiritual community, traditionally involving both monastics and laypeople. This can be a formal community like I find at my spiritual center, or at a church, temple, or mosque. Or it could be less formal. Perhaps you get together with a group of your friends every week and have in-depth conversations about the things that are important to you and provide comfort, support and celebration to each other. It’s a community of individuals who are all committed to becoming the best versions of themselves and provide support and encouragement to each other for the benefit of all.

To put it in the simplest terms possible, The Buddha is the guide, the Dharma is the path and the Sangha is the companions along the way. Take a few minutes and reflect on who is your spiritual role model. Is it Buddha or is there another name you’d rather replace it with? Where do you find your spiritual teachings and how can you apply them to your life? Is there a particular text that speaks to you? One that you hold sacred? How about your spiritual community, who makes up your Sangha? (and yes, if you need it to, your spiritual community can be online. I recommend having a physical group to gather with, but I know that’s not always possible, so find your community, where ever you can)

Now that you’ve taken some time to contemplate these three things, how do you feel? How does focusing your attention on these things that you hold sacred make you feel? If it brings you any amount of peace and comfort I invite you to make this a part of your daily practice. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time, but I think you’ll find that it helps you to keep your thoughts, words and deeds in alignment with the kind of person you want to be in the world.

Namaste my friends,

Jane

A little advice for an unknown path

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I was meeting with friends this evening and one of them expressed some concern with regards to the organization where he works. There is change going on, as there often is in any organization at one time or another, and he is concerned due to his lack of knowing what the future holds yet having a strong desire to know exactly. The need to know. that’s something I am quite familiar with and have started writing a piece about. I’ll share it with you at a later date. In the meantime, this is the advice I came up with for him:

Often when we set sail we cannot see the distant shore. We must have faith in our ability to navigate, and in the winds of Grace to guide us. Raise your head and your sails high and be free.

I’m not sure that is as profound as I thought it was at the time, but it is good advice and in reflection I see how those sentences can be applied to so many situations. Including my current one with my personal life and with my job as well. Does it apply to anything in your life right now? Does it help, at least a little?

Peace.