Monthly Archives: November 2016

Cookies and Grief

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Grief is a funny thing, isn’t it? You’re going about your day, whipping up a batch of cookies cause it’s a sunny Sunday afternoon in Fall and cookies, much like Paris, are always a good idea. And the next thing you know you have tears and snot running down your face and you have to rush to the bathroom to find tissue because not everyone likes salty with their sweet so it’s best to keep those things out of your batter.

I’m a little surprised by the sudden, at least that’s how it felt at the time, upwelling of so much emotion. I started wondering if it was something I had been listening to on Super Soul Sunday, because you know, Paris, cookies, Oprah…anyway that wasn’t it. It never is, is it? It’s never the literal thing in the moment that the emotional reaction is about, it’s a purging of emotion that’s been waiting patiently for our time and attention, but there’s gotten to be too much and there’s no more room in the container where you’ve been sequestering the grief and some of it’s just got to come out. Kinda like when you have a pot of tomato sauce simmering on the stove but the heat’s just a little too high and you get these mini volcanic eruptions when a bubble has to get out of the pot.

What this is really about is that I’m still grieving. Just the recognition of that fact brings relief and some ease. Guess I wasn’t done yet. Guess that’s why I’ve been having trouble finding the inspiration and motivation to write in the last couple of days, or the inspiration and motivation to declutter the apartment or do the dishes and why I was so hard on myself for not accomplishing these things. And why I’m constantly going into the kitchen to look for something to eat.  I’m still grieving and that’s ok, that just means I need be a little gentler on myself and pay more attention to what I’m actually feeling, not what I should be feeling, or what I’d rather be feeling.

When you acknowledge your feelings in those moments, whatever those feelings are, they don’t need to escalate to Mount Vesuvius proportions in order to get your attention. Feel what you need to feel my loves, dig deep, keep asking why until you get to the real thing that’s trying to get your attention. Cause it’s never the surface thing, you’ve noticed that right?

So, if you need to grieve, grieve. Whether it’s a loss of a loved one, a divorce, a layoff, a presidential election, some combination of the above, grieve what you have to grieve now, because it won’t be any easier later. Oh, and don’t forget it’s a process, it may take a little while before you batters are completely safe but rest assured they will be at some point. Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself. It’ll be alright.

Peace,

Jane

P.S. cream cheese frosting on pumpkin spice cookies is delicious

Taking Comfort in the Three Jewels

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Weeks like this make me very glad that I have a spiritual community to gather with, a community that reminds me that there are many other like-minded individuals in the world so I don’t feel alone and that we have a safe place when we are in need. After all, they say there’s safety in numbers and the events of this week have certainly made many of us, especially in my community, afraid. As part of the Sunday Service someone reads the Daily Word, which not uncommonly, is uniquely fitting to that particular day despite the fact that the word is chosen far in advance. Today was one such day. Today’s word was Comfort.

Whether or not you believe in a Divine Source, or Spirit, or God, or any of the other words used to describe the same thing, we can all take comfort from our surroundings. Whether that’s a family member, a partner, a friend, a pet, or a spectacular sunrise. When we allow ourselves to be open to love, compassion and beauty we will find it anywhere we look.

When I need to feel comforted I have grown to taking refuge. Only now, looking up the origin of that word, do I fully, consciously, understand why this feels good to me.
Refuge: a condition of being safe or sheltered from pursuit, danger,             or trouble.
From the Latin refugium “place to flee back to”
Taking refuge helps bring me back to the calm center even when it feels like a storm is raging around me. It reminds me not to believe every thought that I have and to be mindful of what I think, what I say and what I do.

Taking refuge can be done by anyone, at any time, you don’t have to be Buddhist, and can be quite comforting when you are in need. I often use it as a way of making sure my head is in the right frame of mind, right being the frame of mind I consciously want to cultivate, before leaving the house for the day. If you are not Buddhist, or have not heard of the Three Jewels before, let me explain them in common terms that may help you begin to familiarize yourself with the practice. Should you choose to try this practice for yourself, feel free to substitute the words Buddha, Dharma and Sangha with words that have similar meaning to you; taking refuge should be personal and meaningful.

I take Refuge in the Buddha

Buddha is not actually a God as some believe, but a human being who has gained enlightenment. A Buddha, the Awakened One, is a teacher, a spiritual guide and role model. Most commonly when someone refers to the Buddha these days, they are referring to Siddharta Gautama, who was known as Shakyamuni Buddha after his enlightenment. It is said that his compassion knew no bounds. He encouraged students to get to know themselves, to look at the causes of suffering honestly and work, through non-harming, service to others and kindness, to not only ease or erase their own suffering but to ease that of others as well. There have been many Buddhas and there will be many more because every one of us has a Buddha nature within us that we are free to nurture and grow into our own awakening.

If this word, Buddha, however is not comfortable to you, feel free to substitute any word or name of the figure or person whom you feel a strong connection to, who you feel is your primary role model. Thinking of the compassion that the Buddha demonstrated to all beings is a reminder to me of who I want to be as a human.

I take Refuge in the Dharma

Dharma generally refers to the teachings of the Buddha. These teachings can take the form of oral teachings such as talks and lectures, or in written form. One of the commonly referenced written teachings on Buddhism is called the Dhammapada, made up of 423 verses that it is said, were told by the Buddha to his students.  I have a copy of this at home and sometimes I’ll open it up to a random page, read what is says, and contemplate how that applies to whatever situation that is monopolizing my thoughts at that moment. Here is a sample that I found leafing through my copy:

He is not righteous
Who judges a situation impulsively.
But whoever distinguishes between right and wrong,
That one is righteous.

Whoever leads others
Evenhandedly, but not by force,
Is a guardian of justice
And is called righteous.

A man is not considered wise
Because he talks a lot.
But he is secure and called wise
Who is free of hate and does no harm.

Taking refuge in the Dharma though, is about more than just listing to talks and/or reading books. To truly take refuge in these teachings is to truly study them and us them as a catalyst for good in your own life. What can you learn from these teachings, and perhaps more importantly, how can you apply those lessons into your own life in order to ease suffering and increase compassion? Shakyamuni Buddha made a point of sharing his knowledge freely with everyone – the rich, the poor, the young, the old, the sick, the outcast, the average Joe – with the intent of providing the tools with which anyone can pursue a more compassionate existence and ultimately, enlightenment.

I take Refuge in the Sangha

Sangha is a spiritual community, traditionally involving both monastics and laypeople. This can be a formal community like I find at my spiritual center, or at a church, temple, or mosque. Or it could be less formal. Perhaps you get together with a group of your friends every week and have in-depth conversations about the things that are important to you and provide comfort, support and celebration to each other. It’s a community of individuals who are all committed to becoming the best versions of themselves and provide support and encouragement to each other for the benefit of all.

To put it in the simplest terms possible, The Buddha is the guide, the Dharma is the path and the Sangha is the companions along the way. Take a few minutes and reflect on who is your spiritual role model. Is it Buddha or is there another name you’d rather replace it with? Where do you find your spiritual teachings and how can you apply them to your life? Is there a particular text that speaks to you? One that you hold sacred? How about your spiritual community, who makes up your Sangha? (and yes, if you need it to, your spiritual community can be online. I recommend having a physical group to gather with, but I know that’s not always possible, so find your community, where ever you can)

Now that you’ve taken some time to contemplate these three things, how do you feel? How does focusing your attention on these things that you hold sacred make you feel? If it brings you any amount of peace and comfort I invite you to make this a part of your daily practice. It doesn’t have to take a lot of time, but I think you’ll find that it helps you to keep your thoughts, words and deeds in alignment with the kind of person you want to be in the world.

Namaste my friends,

Jane