I was taking my dog for a walk this afternoon and thinking of course about the recent miscarriage and grieving both that and possibly my fertility all together. I have not been taking this so well, although, I am quite surprised and pleased that I have not curled up and died of a broken heart. I have been convinced for years now that if it should come to this, that if I come to the end of this road with no child, that I would surely die. That it would be just too much to bear. But perhaps it’s not. Perhaps the struggles I’ve gone through in the past, the skills I’ve picked up along the way and the confidence that I have gained that I am strength itself, had prepared me to get myself through this too.

Please do not be mistaken, I am very much in the depths of grief, feeling all the emotions classically described as part of the process. I have felt them all, sometimes quite intensely, and some of them several times already. But on this walk with my mind ricocheting around inside my skull, one of the things that has been coming up during this process is the thought that I am not successful at being a human being. I was put on this earth to be a mother and I have been waiting since I was a small child for that to happen. So if it never happens, has my life been a huge waste? Have I been wasting oxygen all these years? I have been of no value to this planet and perhaps been a burden. Basically wallowing in unworthiness. But then a thought popped into my head – since everyone and everything is connected and made of the same stuff (see Rob Bell’s book “What we talk about when we talk about God” for more on this) and this which connects us is often labeled as God, therefore I am just as much a part of this God as anyone else, I can decide whether or not my life is successful. No one has more authority than me to make that call. I get to decide whether or not being able to pass on my genetic material defines my worth and I can quite easily decide that it most certainly does not. That was a very powerful realization.

I hope you too understand that nobody gets to define your worth for you. Do not give your power away like that. It is yours and it’s meant for you. Keep it. Give away your kindness, your love, hugs, smiles, old clothes. There are plenty of things that you can give away with great benefit to you and the recipient. But your power…that’s special to you. You get to keep it. You get to carry it in your heart and keep it with you always wherever you go. Wherever your journey takes you.

Let’s see where our journeys take us shall we?

Peace,
Jane