Remembering my reusable totes…

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Photo by Dave Takisaki on Unsplash

Do you have a hard time remembering to take your reusable totes into stores with you? I do, at least for non-grocery stores. I’ve trained myself pretty well to remember to bring at least one in with me, but when I shop for other things, clothes, household items, etc. I rarely remember.

But I’ve come up with a couple of ways to help me out.

First, after emptying my bags, I put them on a hook by the front door so when I’m grabbing my keys and purse I can grab them too. If you don’t have a hook or place to put them by the front door, how about putting a note on the front door or with your keys reminding you to grab them as you walk out.

Second, I put a little note on my car dash to remind me. I usually store my tote bags in the back of my car. And as we all know, out of site, out of mind. Hopefully, with a little practice I’ll get the hang of it. Depending on where you shop, some stores are offering a little credit when you bring your own bags. In my area, Whole Foods and Target both offer this, although at Whole Foods I’ve always donated my credit. I know it’s not a lot, but I hope that it will add to others and make a difference.

Do you have any ideas on how to remember your totes?

Jane

 

If you want to be more creative, be creative more often.

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I’ve realized that if I take too much time away from writing, when I do sit down again, it’s hard to get started. Topics evade me, the words don’t flow. Ok, I’m not sure I can say that they ever flow, but they come a whole lot easier. The time I successfully completed NaNoWriMo, the first couple of weeks things definitely flowed. I was a little shocked in fact at how well it started out. But it’s never really flowed like that since.

Granted, I’ve also been struggling for the last, almost, 3 years trying to have a baby and suffering recurrent, unexplained losses. All that grief, the rollercoaster of hormones, I really shouldn’t expect myself to have a lot of energy left over for creativity of any kind. I wish I had kept at the daily writing though. There are a lot of elements of this journey that I now wish I had documented, I would really like to use my story to help others, but some things have gotten very fuzzy. I suppose it’s a mental defense mechanism to forget parts of the journey. I heard other women going through this too that have said the same thing. If you’re on this path too, trust me, document. Even if it’s just for yourself. Even if you don’t ever go back to look at it, if you want to, it’ll be there.

But back to the topic, if you want to be more creative, make the effort to be creative regularly. Preferably ever day. It doesn’t have to be lengthy, and you don’t have to do the same activity every day. You can stick with mediums you are comfortable with already, or you can try something new. While you’re at it, expand your definition of creativity. It doesn’t have to just be writing, or painting, or music, what about plating your meal creativity? Or dressing in a way that feels creative. How about just solving a problem in a creative way?

So far, this 30 challenge is already working wonders, it’s only day two, but I caught myself thinking this afternoon thinking about coming home and writing. Thinking about short stories I had started in the past that I’m starting to get a little excited about starting up again to find out what happens. Thinking about what else I could write about. Even wondering if I could write something to submit to a writing competition. I don’t know if I will actually do that but, writing daily definitely feels good and brings me peace. I wonder if I’ll keep this going beyond the 30 days?

Do you struggle with your creativity? Or do you have tips on how to keep the juices flowing? Leave me a comment below and let me know.

Create on my friends,

Jane

Can I write every day for a month?

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I have to admit I’ve completely slacked on this site. I had the best of intentions, honestly, but in retrospect, perhaps starting a blog the same day as my first pregnancy loss maybe wasn’t a well thought out plan.

But every day is a new opportunity right?

So today, June 1st, I am challenging myself to publish something here every single day. It will likely be an eclectic mixture of musings, but in the end I think it will be fun and something in here will be helpful to someone else.

Wish me luck.

❤ Jane

It’s not really about the meds

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I think it’s time to throw out the meds in my fridge. They’ve been there 18 months, since the last time I got to try and get pregnant with my own eggs. Since that loss I’ve gone on to try 3 more times with someone else’s eggs. (3 different someone’s but who’s counting?) resulting in 1 chemical and 2 fails. I know I should be writing more about my fertility story, or lack thereof, but it’s hard. Harder than I ever imagined. But I’m trying to do better. If something I say can help just one person, even for just a little while, then it will be worth the effort.

So back to the original point of this post. I have meds sitting around, taking up space, reminding me every time I open the fridge of my chance to have a child with my genetics. For the first year they were right up front, right in my face when I opened the door. I was so hopeful when I started them. I really thought they were going to do the trick. And they did, sort of, 2 chemical pregnancies. But now they have made their way to the back of the shelf, where I don’t have to think about them too often. Or the hope I once had. You see, even though I had to move on to donated genetics in order to keep working with the doctors, I never gave up hope of having mine own genetic child. If I’m going to be really honest, I still haven’t. Perhaps it was a mental trick I played on myself in order to move on. Well I’ll just do this and have a child and then, just like in a movie I’ll meet this amazing guy and fall in love and a few months after having the first child I’ll magically get pregnant with Mr. Wonderful and bam, more kids and with my genes (well half anyway). It’ll be great!

But even the hope of that is fading away. Let’s be honest, what are the chances of that even happening? I haven’t had a date in something like 4 years. How exactly would one go a out dating while going through fertility treatments? When do you bring that up, during the appetizer or do you wait till desert? Then there’s the hormonal roller coaster combined with repeated cycles of grief ranging from a skipped cycle, to a failed cycle, to a chemical. I haven’t been able to carry one long enough to see the sac and heartbeat yet, so I haven’t had the devastation of later loss or complications to deal with. My heart goes out to you if you are one of the ones who has.

It’s time to let the meds go. It’s time to move on without knowing what’s going to happen next or where I will land. I have been attempting to sail to distant shores without taking my eyes of the old one. Time to be brave one more time.

If you’re reading this and you too are struggling with building a family, know that I’m sending you virtual hugs and encouragement to be brave too with whatever step you’re at now. There are a lot of us out there, we’re not alone. Even though it feels like it cause people just don’t talk about this stuff. But let’s start, ok?

♥ Jane

P.S. Ok, I did it. I cried a little, but that’s ok, there is crying in bravery. The gap they have left on the shelf is noticeable but I haven’t regretted it a bit.

I’m going plastic free… well, sort of.

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photo of single use plastic bottles

Photo by mali maeder from Pexels

I recently read an article about how much the plastic patch in the Pacific Ocean is growing. (You can read the article by clicking here  http://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-43490235 ) Not only is this patch getting larger, but I learned that there are actually 5 plastic patches circulating in our oceans.

And that’s only the plastic getting caught up in the gyres.

Plastics can take 100s of years to breakdown. Nobody really knows how long, and some estimate that some types could take up to 1000 years. If we keep adding to the pollution at this rate, where is it all supposed to go? Will we all be living on mountains of it?

And it’s not just the fact that plastic takes so long to breakdown, and there’s no conceivable way the planet can hold it all at the rate we’re using it, but the environmental impact is truly disturbing too. Do a quick internet search and you’ll find plenty of articles on the subject. Most with pictures to further convey the message. Pictures of various marine life dying from eating plastic objects or plastic particles. Stories about chemicals leaching from the plastic getting into the water supply and the havoc it cause to the human body. The list goes on.

So, as they say, I must be the change I wish to see in the world, so I’m committing to reducing the amount of plastic I use by challenging myself to a Plastic Free April. You may have heard of Plastic Free July, if not you can learn more by clicking here http://www.plasticfreejuly.org/ .

Let me start by clarifying that this doesn’t mean I won’t be using any plastics during the month of April and beyond. I need to use a computer to keep my job, as well as the phone, the copy machine, I need to take transportation to get to said job… you get the idea. It means I’m going to avoid single use plastics, unless medically necessary, as well as any other plastics I can learn to live without. I have no objections to a plastic free life, I just don’t know how to do that.

Looking around my house I’m becoming more and more aware of how much plastic I have laying around and how much ends up in the dumpster. It can get very discouraging. I like to think of myself as a super green, environmentally enlightened steward of the planet. But the truth is I’ve been trashing on mama earth pretty bad. Time to step up and do better.

I hope you too will look for ways you can reduce your unnecessary plastic consumption. Together we can make a huge impact. Who’s going to join me?

♥ Jane

2 Years of Infertility

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Yesterday marked the two-year anniversary of my first visit to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, or as those of us unfortunately in the know say, the RE.

It comes with mixed feelings. It’s hard to acknowledge that I’ve been at this for 2 years and am still not pregnant let alone actually holding a baby. But at least I am in the process of attempt #10, yes, #10. After having to wait so interminably long, no thanks to Dr. 3, I am finally on a cycle again with hope on the horizon.

It is with a mixture of hope, grief, and indifference that I mark this notable occasion. Hope that I might finally get to gestate a child and then hold it in my arms. Grief over chances, and cycles, and pregnancies lost. Indifference because who knows what’s going to happen with this cycle. It could either be elation or grief or both. Who knows what could come up that could cause the cycle to be cancelled or fail. I’ve been through this enough to learn that very little of this is in my control, and never will be. A lesson I still resist strongly.

If you are in a similar situation, stay strong and don’t let this define you.

Hugs,
Jane

Taking the weekend off, by actually taking the weekend off

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Yes, the blog is late this week. My weekend didn’t exactly go as I thought it would and having stayed up till midnight last night, I wasn’t exactly bounding out of bed to write before work today. Can I let you in on a secret? I took Friday off from my job because I had planned on going to visit my mother for the weekend. But I didn’t go. Instead I stayed home and spent a massive chunk of the weekend plopped down on the sofa binge watching 3 seasons of a TV series. It was Watchathon week so I took advantage of having access to the previous seasons of the show. It was such a guilty pleasure. Except, it was all pleasure and not really any quilt. I got out and about and took care of what absolutely needed to be taken care of and I took the puppy on some nice walks but that was about it. I still have dishes piled in the sink, the living room is still cluttered, although I did take some time to clear off about half the stuff on the coffee table, I didn’t sweep or mop, I didn’t scrub the shower, I hardly made time for writing or meditating. And I don’t care. It was such a wonderful treat, it was exactly what my brain needed. I barely thought about the infertility stuff this weekend, I didn’t think about work and I didn’t have to think about the current state of this country. Although I did get some reality on Friday night when I heard we’d been shooting missiles at Syria. I poked my head out of my cave long enough to ensure we hadn’t gone to nuclear war and was relieved to find out it wasn’t nearly as catastrophic as I had feared (although dropping bombs is always a very serious matter) it seemed to be short lived and there was nothing I could think of to do at the moment to fix it. So, back into my cave I went and watched 2 more seasons over the course of the next 2 days.

I really feel like I had a vacation even if I barely left my house. I feel refreshed and ready for a new week. But isn’t that a huge part of what makes any vacation great? Getting out of your own head, your usual routine for a while? Disconnecting from our phones and computers (although in this case just replacing it with a different screen. Baby steps.) and just letting ourselves enjoy something? It was such a gift to let myself off the hook for a while and not worry about what I should be doing, and instead just let myself do something light and fun. I had such a wonderful time living in a different place, in a different world, where everyone, well most everyone, was nice to each other, and the community came together to help each other during difficult times, and there was all kinds of love and romance (my favorite part of course). It was a breath of fresh air.

We need to give ourselves that from time to time, especially when stress is high, has been high and it isn’t likely to ease up any time soon. Find a way to give yourself a break, whatever that is for you. Heck, maybe even take a real vacation if you can pull it off. Trust me. You’ll be glad you did.

All the best,

Jane

Flunking Self-Care

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I think I’m flunking self-care these days. I thought I was taking care of myself but the frequency with which I’m getting upset, the shortness of my temper and the anxiety this new doctor’s office is causing me, are clear indications that I need to pay better attention to how I’m taking care of myself. Or perhaps, if I’m taking care of myself. I feel worn out. I feel like an old washcloth that’s been wrung out one too many times. (full disclosure – we also seem to be having a particularly difficult allergy season going on making it hard to breath and waking me up in the middle of the night. I’m sleeping with a box of tissue in the bed. I actually wondered what would happen if I put a tampon in my nose. I didn’t actually do it, but I sure thought about it. But I digress) Anyone who’s gone through the challenge of fertility issues knows the feeling. I’m heading toward the 2-year mark with 3 miscarriages, I’ve heard stories of people who’ve been at it for 6 years. One women I heard about had had 8 miscarriages. I have no idea where they’ve come up with the energy.  Conversely, I know that I want to be a mom and I’ll find a way to make it happen whatever it takes. (Within legal limits of course.) So, I’m going to suck it up once again and find a way to keep this train moving.

I highly recommend making a list, as big of a list as you can possibly make, of all the different ways you can take care of yourself and recharge your batteries. Make it diverse, big things, little things, things that can be done in a moment or two and things that occupy hours. Be prepared for a variety of situations too, trust me on this. Meditation or going for a jog can be all well and good (and effective) but not things you can do if you’re about to have a meltdown while driving in rush hour traffic or in the middle of a staff meeting. Make a list and keep it handy. Put it in your purse or planner or phone, maybe all three. And while I’m at it, don’t wait till after you have a meltdown. Make a point to refer to the list every day and do something for you at least once a day. Schedule it in your day if you have to. Set a reminder on your phone. Ask a friend or family member to help keep you accountable for some you time. Make it a point and make it a priority. This is going to help us all get through these stressful times.

Good luck, be well, take three full deep breaths right now.

Jane

 

How to survive daylight saving time.

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Ah, it’s that time of year again. Spring forward for Daylight Saving Time. Can someone explain to me how exactly we’re saving any daylight with this phenomenon? As the days have been getting longer, I’ve finally gotten to the point where the sun is coming up just shortly after I get out of bed. Now, with the time change I’m back to getting up more than an hour before the sun. I, in theory, assuming I actually get up when I’m supposed to instead of lingering in bed for as long as possible, will be just getting to work as the sun is coming up. Rather than getting a healthy dose of sunlight before spending my day in florescent jail, I’ll just get teased with the warm, inviting glow of our friend the sun.

To say that I’m not thrilled about this contrived clock shift would be an understatement, but I’ve decided that I won’t let it get the best of me this year. So, I’ve come up with five ways to cope and I think you’ll agree, thrive.

  1. Drink lots of water, just like when traveling across multiple time zones, staying hydrated helps your body make the adjustment. If that doesn’t work, drink your favorite cocktail repeatedly to take your mind off your misery add bonus – you’ll be a lot more fun for your friends and family than a grouchy, crabby-pants who leaves them longing for a bear abruptly awoken from hibernation.
  2. The week leading up to the fateful event, start setting your alarm a few minutes earlier each day to get gradually used to the change. Too late? No problem, take the week off work and start adjusting yourself this week. By the time you go back to work the following Monday, you’ll finally be caught up with your coworkers, at least on sleep. (Note: this will do nothing to improve the state of your inbox or the pile of forms stacked on your desk.)
  3. Purchase a second residence in the time zone to the left of yours. Simply move back and form every time the clock changes.
  4. Quit your day job and go to work for yourself, you make your own hours so screw the man and his clocks. (bonus points for joining a hippie compound) (bonus-bonus points for starting your own hippie compound)
  5. Caffeine, caffeine, and more caffeine. Seriously you can’t get too much caffeine during this challenging time in your life. Not only will this magical alkaloid help you power through your week, it will also make you 10x more productive* allowing you impress the man tremendously by showing up all your coworkers for their amateur ways of dealing with this crisis.

*note: this isn’t actually a scientific fact, but I’m sure it’s just a matter of time. Maybe one of the many scientist who are about to lose their jobs under the current administration can work on this discovery from their soon to be built garage laboratory.

So there you have it, five sure fire ways to get through this predicament. Feel free to incorporate one or more of these strategies into your life too.

Cheers,
Jane

International Women’s Day and To Work or Not to Work

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Tomorrow is International Women’s Day, a day to acknowledge the efforts of so many before us and a call to carry-on the work for each other, as well as those yet to come. There has also been a call for a simultaneous Day without Women as a protest to call attention to women’s rights and the value of the work women provide. Well, that’s all well and good and it’s a lovely thought. I certainly want to rally with my sisters around the globe to demonstrate our value to those who have yet to see it and to show support and solidarity. However, I, like so many others, can’t afford to lose my job because of it. I don’t work for an employer that would support such a thing, although with so many women in our workforce I’m pretty sure if we boycotted work for a day it would shut things down. But we’re not, and if we tried I guarantee it won’t go well. At all. Especially if enough of us did it to actually disrupt things.

I have been struggling with this a little bit this week. Thinking that if I didn’t boycott work I was somehow be letting my sisters down, but I have to think beyond tomorrow. To the day after that, and the day after that. I need this job right now. I need this paycheck, my only paycheck, and I need the health insurance. Not surprisingly, this is the case for most women, so there isn’t going to be the kind of boycott I thought it was going to turn into. In fact, after a little internet searching, and texting my activist friends, very few women, even in the US, are in a position to make such a stand. There was an article from Seattle that went as far as calling this boycott an example of white privilege. I’m white, middle-class, with an advanced degree and I don’t even have that privilege. Now, most would be inclined at this point in an essay to sound the battle cry that this is why we must rally together and why the boycott is necessary. But is the boycott really the best way to advance equality? I think not.

One of my friends who I contacted tonight, isn’t boycotting because she worries about losing her job. She’s not boycotting because that would put her team, which comprises both men and women, in a really horrible position and they need the full team for tomorrow’s job. Her going to work tomorrow is a perfect example of equality and solidarity. She’s going to make a difference by leading by example. By being a positive influence on those around her, by showing the value of women in the workforce by actually doing the work. (and I know her so I know she does her job well) Isn’t this really the best way to show our value, to inspire others to achieve the goals we’ve achieved and hopefully push past them to achieve even higher goals? After reflecting on this as I write I now realize that the best way for me to help the cause, to move the boundaries, to encourage others, is to go to work tomorrow and make a point of demonstrating my value and in turn the value. To encourage, support, and bolster all my co-workers, regardless of gender or gender identity, and put energy and enthusiasm into them and our shared goals of making a positive impact on our community. Tomorrow I will celebrate International Women’s Day, I will wear a red scarf just like Susan B. Anthony and I will honor the efforts of women in the workforce while contributing my own. Gandhi said “be the change you wish to see in the word.” I wish to see compassion and cohesion. What about you? What are you doing for International Women’s Day? Leave a comment below, I’d love to hear what you’re doing and get some ideas for next year.

Peace,
Jane